Stacey's Journal
by BalletPrincess
Summary: Stacey writes about her experiences as she begins college and explores relationships.
1. August

August 24th:  
  
Well, here I am on the train back to Manhattan after spending nearly a month in Stoneybrook with Mom. I can honestly say that I am RELIEVED to be going home to NY! Not that I don't love mom or my Stoneybrook friends, but something about New York just feels more like home than Connecticut. This summer with Claud was an interesting one, though. Now that we're eighteen we can get into a lot more clubs and stuff. I was surprised to find that Claud smokes now. Not that I haven't tried smoking, but I think that it would only make my diabetes worse if I did it regularly, so I don't. Claud also drinks a lot more than she used to. Some nights, she'd come home so plastered I thought I'd have to carry up her to her room! What can I expect though? We're not twelve anymore. I guess only seeing her summers and weekends means that I'm less aware about what's going on her life. It's weird- I'm beginning to think myself boring next to Claudia. I mean, here I am with the same long, blonde haircut as I had for the past two summers, while she is sporting a new, totally different hairdo- her hair is cropped short, sort of unevenly but still very cool. It's a very dark black, with purple highlights on the top. Very cutting edge. Claud just looks so COLLEGE compared to me. NOTE TO SELF: Get a new haircut and possibly a new wardrobe.  
  
  
  
August 26th:  
  
Baby-sitting for Rachael. I can't believe how much she has grown in two months!! She's four months old now and can do all kinds of things she couldn't before I left! She's even eating baby-food, the mushy jar stuff. Time flies. I know it sounds corny, like the kind of thing your grandma says when she sees you on thanksgiving but it's so true. I mean, it seems like just yesterday that I was still living in Stoneybrook, a member of the babysitters club, and now we're all starting college. Speaking of college, I got my registration confirmation from NYU today. I got into all the classes I wanted except one: Psychology 101. Oh well, I'll take Sociology instead, what does it matter- I'm a business major! I'm actually really excited about starting at NYU. Even though I'll be living in Dad and Samantha's apartment, I know college will bring me a lot more freedom. Plus, Sam has an apartment near campus, where I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time. I wish I knew more about what was going to happen with Sam and me. I mean, we've been dating for almost a year now, and I really love him. But, there will also be a lot of new people at NYU. Will there be someone I like better? Will he find someone else? I guess I won't think about it too much until it happens.  
  
  
  
August 30th:  
  
Just got off the phone with Laine. She leaves for Northwestern tomorrow. I'm not really sure WHY Laine and I are friends still. We are so different. Like she was just telling me about her boyfriend of the summer, Gus, and how she basically used him all summer. She knew she was going to dump him when she left for school, but, as she put it: "He was good for two things: money and sex." According to Laine, he gave the best orals she's ever had. I wouldn't really know, I've only had Sam. Personally, I like it that way. I'd rather not be a sleaze who goes around doing every guy in the city. Laine claims she's made it twenty-six different guys, and she lost her virginity at fourteen. That's over two guys a year. Not too bad, if you think about it. But still, more than I would want to deal with. So anyway, Laine leaves tomorrow morning. I can't really say that I'm going to miss her, but we had our fun while it lasted. 


	2. September

** I decided to add this part about Stacey's diabetes, because, as a diabetic myself, I've never liked the way Ann Martin handled Stacey's disease. I think that she should have consulted a true diabetic teenager for more input, rather than just doctors and stuff. So, here's Diabetes from the viewpoint of a real kid!!  
  
September 1st:  
  
Wow. Can't believe it's September already. School starts in only four days- hard to believe, even though I've bought my books already. College books cost a fortune!! Good thing Dad offered to pay for them. I started looking over them, just to see what I was getting myself into. For the most part the don't look so bad. English 101 seems like it will be a breeze, as does History 101. I'm still waiting to see if I get into Sociology 101. I'm also taking Business 101, which hopefully won't be too hard. It seems pretty interesting. The one class I am really worried about is math- Calculus 201. I can't believe I'm starting out in Calc 2, but I guess it makes sense since I took Calc AP in high school. Ok, well I don't want to think about school anymore! Samantha is taking me shopping in a little bit… I'm going to hit Bloomies again for the first time in over a month! Yea! Samantha has actually turned out to be a very cool stepmother. Even though I kind of hated her at first (or maybe I hated how Dad kept her a secret from me), she's actually really nice and a lot of fun. She's young, about 28, which is only ten years older than me, and yet she's a really good mom to Rachael. Not that she's a substitute for my own mother. Sometimes I feel kinda guilty about that…but I just have to remind myself that mom will always be my mom, and that Samantha is NOT a replacement for mom.  
  
September 4th:  
  
OMG!!! Classes start tomorrow!!!! What the hell am I gunna wear? At first I was just excited, but now I'm getting kind of nervous. I hope the subway comes on time! And the bus! I don't want to be late for my first college class! I wonder how the rest of my friends are doing at school? I talked to Claudia yesterday, she doesn't start until next week, but Stoneybrook U started last Wednesday, and Mary Anne was supposed to start Monday. It's getting hard to keep in touch with everyone. I mean, when everyone but me lived in Stoneybrook it wasn't so hard, but now everyone is all scattered. Honestly sometimes I just don't care. Of course I want to keep in touch with Claudia, after all she's my best friend. But Kristy? And Mary Anne? I don't know. We're so different, that sometimes I'm not so sure it's worth the effort. And then there's Abby. After I moved back to NYC I've only seen Abby once or twice, when the entire (former) BSC got together. Abby and I were never close. I really wonder what will happen to all my friends in the next four years. Will they remain close, like me and Claud? Or will they fizzle, like Ethan and I did when we broke up my sophomore year? I just don't know.  
  
  
  
September 5th:  
  
8:15 am- FIRST DAY OF CLASSES!!!! I'm so nervous that I could barely eat this morning, but of course I had to, cuz of my Diabetes. I made it to the subway ontime, and now I'm writing this on the bus, sipping a Latte that I had to pick up at the station. Coffee is the only thing that can keep me sane! I'm shaking, not because of the caffeine, but because I am so nervous about starting college! Oh- the bus is gunna stop. More later!  
  
11:20am- Sigh. Just got out of my first class- English 101. Doesn't seem as bad as I thought. All we have to do is read the book, and write response papers to what we read. Oh- there's also a big research paper at the end of the semester. My professor- Dr. Mitchell, seems really nice. She's young, and pretty laid back. I better go eat lunch now, because my Business class starts at 1:30. I AM SO RELIEVED that my first class is over! What was I so worried about?  
  
4:45pm- Well I'm home again. I survived my first day of college! Yea! My second class, business, seems like it will be slightly tougher than English, but it seems manageable. It also seems very interesting- a lot of math involved!!! The professor is an older, British gentleman, Dr. Watson Lumley, but he seems pretty fair. Tomorrow I meet the rest of my professors- Sociology and Calculus. I really don't have much more say, and I am dead tired, so I'm going to take a nap.  
  
**September 7th:  
  
I HATE DIABETES!!!! It drives me nuts. All my friends look up to me because they think I'm so strong to resist all the sugar and do my shots and stuff, but the truth is, I'm not as good as they think. Sometimes I do give into the sugar cravings, especially when I'm stressed. Like this morning, I had my first Business quiz, so I ate a Snickers bar on the subway. Lately I haven't been testing my blood sugar either. It's just such a pain in the ass, you know? My parents have always just assumed I do it, and somewhere around Junior year I figured out that they do really know they difference if I do it or not, so sometimes I'll just skip it. I always try to take my shots, though. I just feel too sick if I don't. Not that I don't feel sick if I eat sugar- I feel AWFUL. My stomache hurts, and I have to pee a lot. And I get thirsty as all hell. I must have drank three Diet sodas before lunch today. But I'm just so fucking sick of being a diabetic!!! Everyone thinks Diabetes is an old person disease. I'd rather just be a normal teenager. Unfortuanetly, with Diabetes, there is no such thing.  
  
**September 12th:  
  
Sometimes I worry about the future. I worry about it a lot, actually. Not my career, necessarily, because I know that if I study business, I've got a good start. I worry about it because of my Diabetes. Sometimes I'm afraid that no one will want to marry me because of my diabetes. Who wants to take on the burden of wife who needs shots, and constantly has to be fed? Now I know this is silly, because Sam knows all about my diabetes and it doesn't phase him a bit, but I still think about it. And who knows if I'll ever have a baby? Pregnancy is so dangerous to a diabetic woman, even if you are in good control. Your baby can be born with birth defects, or it can be born too large. Sometimes the mother dies in labor. It really sucks. I try not to think about that because it's so far in the future, but hell, most women take it for granted that they'll have babies. With Diabetes you can't do that. I also worry about complications- will I lose my eyes? My legs? Will I have a heart attack at the age of thirty? All of these are complications to diabetics too. Man, life just really, really sucks. Sometimes, I just wish I were never born. Then I wouldn't have to deal with Diabetes. 


	3. September2

September 15th:  
  
I just got off the phone with Claudia. She really seems to love the Art Institute- and why wouldn't she, she gets to study art all day long! I'm really glad that Claud got a scholarship there. She tends to feel really low, what with Janine attending Harvard and all. I think it's cool that she can make a life for herself in the art field. Sometimes I really wish that I had a hobby. Something creative. I remember mentioning that to my friends once, a long time ago when the BSC was still in existence. I remembered Claudia looking at me liking I was crazy and saying "You have math!" Math. What the hell kind of hobby is that? Maybe for Janine, that's fine, but I don't think liking math and business necessarily makes them a hobby. Growing up with a workaholic father I have learned that it's important to separate your work from your hobbies. Well, I guess it's okay if you really love your job, like Claudia and art, or Jessi and ballet, but I personally don't consider math and business to be my hobby. I guess shopping is kind of a hobby, but don't you think that makes me seem kind of materialistic? There's something to do this weekend- find a hobby!!!  
  
September 19th:  
  
I've been finding it harder and harder to keep in touch with my friends. My goal is to talk to them at least once each month, but now that we're all in college, that's getting hard to do. Claudia is not a problem. I talk to her once a week, not counting email and Instant Messenger. But the others are more difficult. Even though Kristy is at Stoneybrook U, she's never at home. I know that she had said something about joining the women's soccer team. I guess that takes up a lot of her time, because I only get her answering machine these days. I can usually find Mary Anne in her dorm at Pembrooke, but she can never talk too long, she's always studying. I think the pressure of being a psychology major is already taking its toll on Mary Anne!! Then there's Dawn. I'm not really sure WHAT is up with Dawn. I never call Dawn, I only write or email her, because phone calls to L.A. from New York are too expensive. But lately Dawn has been responding to my letters. Mary Anne says that she parties a lot with Sunny down at UCLA. I guess if Dawn doesn't want to take the time to keep up our friendship, then I shouldn't either. It kinda pisses me off though. I've always felt a connection to Dawn- I mean, we were both transfer students, are parents are divorced and remarried, and we both have little stepsisters (her sister is named Elizabeth Grace, and she's five years old.) But if Dawn wants to be a bitch about the whole thing, then I guess that's her problem, right? Mallory and Jessi I talk to less often- maybe once every few months. It's strange- Mal and Jessi are both sixteen years old and neither of them are living at home anymore. Mal is still at Riverbend Academy, along with her fourteen year old sister Margo. She seems to like it there. Jessi is actually here New York, studying dance at the School of American Ballet. I occasionally meet up with her for coffee, but as her dance schedule is very demanding, it doesn't happen too often. The only former BSC member I never really talk to is Abby. In fact, I never really liked Abby. She was always making those dumb jokes, trying to be the center of attention. She was kind of selfish. Her sister Anna wasn't too bad, but seriously, that girl needed to get a life away from her violin. In any event, Abby Stevenson was not one of my favorite people. So after I moved back to New York, I didn't keep in touch with. Frankly, I couldn't give a flying fuck where she is. Oh well, I guess whatever happens with my BSC friends happens. As Laine always said, " Shit comes and shit goes, whatcha gunna do about it?"  
  
September 25th:  
  
Just got my first Calculus test back!! I got a B! Not too bad for the first test of the semester. I can't believe I'm getting so freakin' excited over a B. In high school I would have died if I had gotten a B. But I guess a B at NYU is a little more prestigious than a B at Parker Academy. I still can't believe that I was valedictorian at Parker. It's not like I worked all that hard. I mean I studied, and I did well, but I didn't bust my ass or anything. I dunno, I guess I always pictured a valedictorian being someone serious and studious, like Janine. Not someone like me, who just had good luck. Frankly I put more effort into finding the perfect jeans at Express than into my studies. Well, I did work hard at math. That's because I care about math, everything else, I never really gave a shit. But I guess the little that I did give was more than the other forty-two girls at Parker gave. Like Laine. After Laine I became friends again Junior year, I found out what her life was truly like. Our teachers at Parker seemed to think Laine was an angel in plaid. There could have been nothing farther from the truth. On the weekends Laine would party until she passed out. She would smoke, drink, and do ecstasy at dance clubs. She would have pot- smoking parties in her parents fancy apartment when they weren't home. And Laine was a sex maniac. By the time she was sixteen she had already contracted an STD. (She actually volunteered the fact that she had Clamydia- If she wasn't trying to scare me away from unprotected sex, it had worked). Yet, despite everything Laine did, there was still something innocent about her. Behind all the sex and drugs, was my childhood best friend. I had to look past our fight in eighth grade, and accept the present Laine for who she was- she had changed. She was no longer snobby or sophisticated, she was bad. And she needed me. Whoops!! I have Sociology in ten minutes!!! More Later!  
  
September 26th:  
  
Well, things got busy yesterday, so I guess I'll finish now. What was I talking about? Oh yea- Laine. I was there for Laine, and she was there for me too. Like the night Sam and I first had sex. I'll never forget it… we were in his dorm room. It was March of my senior year. I had figured it would be a night just like all the others- we'd rent a movie and pop some popcorn. We would make out for a while, and then he'd drive me back to Dad's. But no… this night was different. The kissing led to foreplay, and foreplay let to sex. We both wound up naked on the carpet, going at it. And it hurt like hell. I remember begging him to stop because it hurt so much. And he did—that's why I love Sam. He cares about what I want. But by that time I was bleeding all over the place, and I felt like someone had just taken a knife and cut me open. I couldn't control my tears either. Sam felt helpless. I just couldn't face him much longer. Not that I was mad at him, I was more embarrassed. I felt like such a baby. My first time having sex and I make him stop halfway through because I hurt. So I called Laine. She was there in twenty minutes. She led me downstairs to her smoky Buick and drove me back to her apartment, where she called Dad and Samantha and told them I was spending the night. I will be eternally grateful for what she did that night.  
  
September 30th:  
  
Big campus party this weekend. Sam and I are going. I hope there's not too much alcohol there. What the hell am I saying? A college party without alcohol? HA! That's like having school without the teachers. I really hate alcohol. Not that I mind the taste, or how it feels to get drunk (although hangovers kinda suck). It's just that alcohol is pure sugar and it makes me feel really bad. I've only been drunk once in my life and that was on prom night. We had a huge bash at Laine's house and I got carried away. So did Sam. Laine had every kind of liquor imaginable: vodka, beer, wine… and I kept taking shots. I think I took a total of six before I felt like I would die. So I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning, not only with a hangover, but also with the highest blood sugar I've ever had. I felt like my bladder (and my head) was going to explode. My mouth was as dry as sandpaper. I vowed at that point never to drink again. Well… I broke that promise two weeks later when some of Sam's buddies threw a summer bash. But I never got drunk like that again. I limit myself to one drink per party. I don't waste it on beer either! Yech- I hate the taste of beer. I go for something more fun- Blue Hawaii's, Amaretto Sours, creative fruity drinks. Anyway, what am I gunna wear to this party? I need something fun… something sexy. I need to go shopping! 


	4. October

October 2nd  
  
  
  
Well, it's Sunday. Didn't get a chance to write again until today, because last night was the party. It was, well, interesting, as college parties tend to be. I couldn't drink of course, and Sam only had a few beers, but everyone else was pretty much hammered. We ended up sharing a cab with like 5 people because no one wants to take the subway at night, let alone when their drunk. But even so, it was a pretty great party. I think some senior guys were staring at me (actually I know so), and Sam was a little jealous, but what does he expect? He knows I'd never cheat on him. Sometimes Sam asks me not to dress so sexy… my outfit for that party wasn't that bad, a black mini skirt, a shiny camisole top with a sheer black shirt over it, and black sandal heels. I thought I'd looked pretty good, and I guess the guys did to, but Sam doesn't like it. That makes me kind of mad, when he tries to tell me how to dress. I mean, hello, I am eighteen years old! He has no place in dictating that kind of thing to me. Nevertheless, I still love him. I feel a deeper connection than I ever did to any of my other boyfriends- Robert, Ethan, Jason… I really think that Sam and I could be meant for each other. We just have to work out a few kinks first. Well I have a lot of reading to do, so I better get started on it now.  
  
  
  
October 7th  
  
I actually got a letter from Dawn today! She says she's been really busy at UCLA- she's taking 6 classes, is working in one of the offices and she says she's joined a sorority. No wonder she hasn't written me back!!! She seems to be doing well though. Here's something interesting though- she kept writing about this one friend of hers, named Terri. Now from what I can gather Terri is a girl, one whom Dawn spends a lot of time with. Dawn even hinted at the fact that she and Terri are romantically involved. What's weird about is that Dawn won't come right out and say so. I mean, I have no problem with homosexuality. In fact here at NYU, and in the city in general, it's quite common. Maybe I'm interpreting things wrong but I really don't think so. I wish Dawn could just tell me what's going on. She knows that I'm very liberal, and in fact, so are the rest of our friends. Oh well, I guess she'll talk when she's ready. I talked to Claudia on the phone a few nights ago too. Claud seems to really SAIC (School of the Art Institute of Chicago). She loves her art classes, and she seems to have made some really neat friends. She says that Chicago is like a little New York (ok she actually said it's a BETTER, CLEANER New York but I don't agree with her.) I haven't talked to Mary Anne or Kristy recently, but I gather that they're doing as well as the rest of us- making new friends, going to parties, and getting used to college life in general. I'm glad that I finally heard from Dawn. I really didn't want to lose her friendship. Or any of he other BSC members for that matter! Even though we're states apart, I still them love all just as much!  
  
  
  
  
  
October 10th:  
  
I HATE ENGLISH! Grr. I got my first paper back- a C+. Now English has never been my FAVORITE subject, but I never thought that I was bad at it. Now Claudia would have been delighted with a C+ in English. But here at NYU, you can only get so many C's before they put you on probation. The paper was supposed to have been a persuasive paper on why we feel it is important to go to college. Well I didn't find it too hard, I could think of plenty of reasons why I was at NYU. I even thought I had done well on the paper. Apparently my professor disagreed. This is what she wrote: " Your reasons and support are decent, but the structure of your essay is shaky in places. Your diction, tone and syntax leave something to be desired, and your grammar is weak. This paper is slightly above average, at best. –D. Mitchell." Remember how I said I LIKED my English teacher? Well not anymore! Sam told me not to take it so seriously. He said your first paper always sucks. I wish I could feel that nonchalant about it, but I really can't. It's gunna bug the hell out of me until I get my next grade. I really need to aim for a B on my next paper. On the brighter side, I got an A on my last Calculus quiz. Isn't college funny that way? You'll be doing so well in one class, and you'll feel so excited, and then you'll get a horrible grade in another class and it completely ruins your day.  
  
  
  
October 12th:  
  
Baby-sitting Rachael. She's taking a nap, and I have nothing to do. I'm caught up on my readings, and I even finished a sociology paper that's due next week. Sam is back at his dorm working on a project. I suppose I could watch T.V. but lately there has been nothing good on. Lately it seems as though the shows have been getting stupider and stupider. I emailed Kristy earlier and caught her up on what was going on with my life. I'm actually going back to Stoneybrook this week. Sam is going too. We're taking the train in on Friday afternoon and staying until Sunday morning. I want to see Mom, and I'm going to help her out at the store on Saturday. Mom's store just keeps doing better and better. I think it's because it's the only boutique in Stoneybrook that can keep up with the New York City fashions (thanks to yours truly). Saturdays are the craziest days at the store, even though we're only open from 9 to 3. So I run the cash register and help keep things neat while Mom tries to do some work in the back. She also has a few high school girls how help her on after school in and the evenings, so maybe one of them will be there too. Well I guess I'll go chat online now or something, cuz I have nothing to say really.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
October 15th:  
  
Lunch Break!!! Wow, I was standing at the register practically all morning. The boutique has had nonstop customers. While I worked the register, Cammi (one of mom's workers) helped people find stuff and opened the dressing rooms while Mom worked in back ordering new winter merchandise. Now she's covering for me while I'm on my lunch hour. So I'm sitting in Wraps, this café next door which has great sandwiches, eating a tuna pita. So far this trip has been a refreshing break. The longer I stay in NYC, the quieter Stoneybrook seems. My train arrived at 1:30 yesterday, and Kristy picked Sam and I up at the train station. We went back to her house and I hung out with Kristy for awhile until mom got home from work and picked me up. Mom and I had a nice dinner at this new Italian restaurant and went home and watched videos. I really miss spending time with mom like this, but sometimes I think that being away from her just helps me to appreciate the time I do spend with her. It was also great to see Kristy again. She told me about her family and what was going on around Stoneybrook, and she filled me in on the people that go to Stoneybrook U. While Kristy doesn't live on campus (who the hell would want a dorm when you live in a mansion!), she does know a lot about what goes on on the campus. She even told me about a party that Logan Bruno had, and then we laughed about how Mary Anne would faint if she knew what he was up to! Yea, while it sucks that my parents are divorced, I don't mind living in two different places. It makes life more interesting. 


	5. October2

October 18th:  
  
Here I am, back in NYC. I really enjoyed my visit to Stoneybrook, but I am glad to be back. Except for schoolwork-yuck. Today I don't mind though because I have my sociology class and there is the CUTEST guy in that class. His name is Chris. I know, I know- I have a boyfriend. And I love Sam, I really do, I just need to have some eye-candy, that's all. I've only talked to him a few times, mostly about school assignments, but he seems really sweet. What the hell am I saying? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! I can't have any eye candy!!! Well anyway, checked my email- one from mom. As much as I miss mom, I think my being away makes me appreciate her mom and keeps our relationship fresh. Oh well, it's late and I have nothing good to say, so I'm going to sleep.  
  
  
  
October 21st:  
  
PEOPLE. Sigh. It really sucks that you can't trust them. Now growing up here in the city, I was taught early on not to trust strangers- don't talk to them, don't look at them funny and definitely don't leave anything of value in public sight…but today I learned another lesson in the degree of how untrustworthy the general population is. No- I take that back, it's not even just the general population. Right here at NYU you can't even trust people. Today I was at a meeting of a service club I've recently joined, one where we do things to help the community. Well, I leave the room to get a drink, and I left my backpack sitting on the table. Well after I leave I open my wallet to get some coffee and ALL MY MONEY IS GONE! I mean, hell, you think you'd be able to trust the members of a community service club, right? WRONG! So much for good, upstanding citizens. So now I have a small teeny purse with my keys, my wallet and my insulin shots (whenever I carry them) and I don't let take this purse off of my body until I get home. You know, it really sucks that people constantly have to live in fear and be this careful, but what else can we do?  
  
October 23rd:  
  
Food. Have I mentioned that I hate food? As a diabetic, I must say that one thing I can live without (figuratively, of course), is food. I can't even enjoy my meals, because I always have to worry about how much sugar, how much fat they have in them. Nor can I eat at whatever time I find convinent for me- I have to eat at regular times. Really takes away the fun of enjoying a meal. How can anyone blame me for sneaking a Hershey bar here, and a Little Debbie snack cake there? Carrot sticks and Triscuts for snacks certainly get old. Losing weight as a diabetic is another problem. In fact, since I've started at NYU I've already GAINED five pounds. Forget trying to lose those five, because whenever I try and cut back on my meals, or excersize more vigorously, I end up having an insulin reaction which I must treat with- you guessed it- more food. SIGH. I suppose everyone must havesome shitty parts to their life, but being Diabetic in a country that's obessed with (sugary, fatty, greasy) food certainly does not make the situation any easier.  
  
  
  
October 27th:  
  
Wow. I just had the most amazing day! You know, one of the coolest parts about college, regardless of where you go, is the people you meet. I have met some really diverse, fun, interesting people here at NYU, in the few months that I've been here. I've meet people from so many different walks of life, and each one of them has taught me something special. Well today I met Phil. Phil is originally from Long Island. His family obviously has money. Well Phil is a sophomore who transferred here from another university because, get this, he was in rehab for a drug addiction. That was two years ago. Now he's here, and he is my math class and WHOA IS HE SMART!! He says he graduated second in his high school class. He also is an accomplished musician, and he was a competitive runner and swimmer. Phil is also very religious- he works actively with a Christian church in the area. I really admire that. I wasn't raised religious (my mom was Catholic and my dad was Protestant), however I think it's really cool the way that Phil has turned his life around. Phil also used to suffer from depression (part of what caused him to start using drugs), but with a combination of medication and therapy, he know has such a great outlook on life. I just really admire Phil and all that he has done. He makes me question my character, but in a good way- like how I can improve what I am doing, and help myself to have a better outlook on life.  
  
October 31st:  
  
Halloween. Must I say that this is not my favorite holiday??? I guess I'm lucky that I was older when I got sick, because I know a girl who was diagnosed at the age of seven, and she really missed out on her childhood. At least her in NYC we only get kids from our building, and it's fun seeing them in their cute costumes because I know them. But all the candy floating around really stinks. Not much else to say. Dad and Samantha dressed Rachael up as a little bee… she looks so cute!!! I'm going to go take her trick or treating down the hall now. More later. 


	6. November

Nov 1:  
  
Well here it is November! Only one more month until Winter Vacation! Here at NYU we get a whole month for vacation, unlike Parker where we only got two weeks. We just got our midterm grades last week- I actually did better than I thought… all A's and B's. I was really surprised to get an A on my Calculus midterm, that class is so hard. Well, I have to go eat some lunch before I head off to class, so I'll write more later.  
  
  
  
Nov 4:  
  
Sigh. I thought that when I got to college, the burden of being a divorced kid would lighten. I guess not- Mom and Dad are on the phone with each other, fighting (rather loudly) about where I'm going to spend the holidays. It's like, HELLO, I am 18- don't I have a choice in the matter? Apparently not. Mom says that since Dad gets me all school year, she should get me for the holidays (meaning Thanksgiving and Christmas). Dad says that since these are Rachael's first holidays, he would like to spend at least one of them as a family. I can see both their points, but frankly I don't care where I go, as long as they stop yelling about it. I hope for Rachael's sake that Dad and Samantha never get divorced. Well, the fighting as quieted down, so I'm going to go try and get some sleep now.  
  
Nov 9:  
  
GRRRR. I must vent my frustration with my diabetes. Okay, I went to my diabetes specialist today. After looking over my sugar readings from the past three months, she decided that I've been too high (I must admit, I've had some real clunkers). I just figured that with the stress of starting college, I've inadvertently eaten more sweets than I should have. However, that theory didn't fly with Dr. Rodgers, so she gave me three options: 1) Increase the amount of Insulin I take by A LOT and add a shot at lunchtime. 2) Start on an insulin pump. (I immediately vetoed that one- the idea of having something attached to me creeps me out). 3) Try this new Insulin that has just come out, which you take at bedtime, and take three shots at lunchtime from something called an "Insulin Pen". I decided that the last option seemed the best, as Dr. Rodgers explained that it more closely mimics what a working pancreas does. So now I take four shots a day, and I have to check my sugar four times a day. Sigh. Isn't life grand?  
  
PS: In case you're wondering, Mom and Dad decided that I would spending Thanksgiving in New York with Dad and Samantha, and spend my Christmas Break in Stoneybrook with Mom.  
  
  
  
Nov 11:  
  
OMG… I am so scared. My period is four days late. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but for me it is. I am always so on time! And the thing is, that even though Sam and I always use a condom, a few weeks ago, I think it may have kind of slid off after he finished. YIKES. I cannot be pregnant. Not only am I only an 18 year old college student, I am a Diabetic! Pregnancy is already so dangerous for diabetic women, and in teenagers that risk is doubled. I just knew something like this would happen when Sam and I became sexually active. I mean, we waited for a long time, but then we decided we were ready… well we did it once, and it hurt me so bad that we waited for awhile more before trying again. Oh God. Now I'm pregnant. No, I don't know that for sure. I need to calm down. There are other reasons it could be late… stress, etc. But what if I am? How will I tell Dad? And Mom? What will I do? Have an abortion? Please, please, please don't let me be pregnant.  
  
  
  
Nov 15:  
  
It came. Thank God, it came. This little scare sure has taught me a lesson. I think that in addition to using condoms, I am going to look into going on the pill. As much as I love children, I'm not ready to have one of my own. Sam agrees with me that this is a good idea. Well, I'm really busy writing papers and stuff, but I just had to express my relief that it came. Hallelujah- I'm not pregnant. 


	7. November2

Nov 15:  
  
I talked to Claudia today. She met a guy at school. His name is Bret, he's 20 years old and a Junior. According to Claud he is "Japanese, tall and gorgeous". What more could she want? She says that of course he's an artist too, and they hang out and go to museums and drink coffee. Very artsy. Then Claud says to me, "I'll bring pictures at Thanksgiving." Oops. I forgot to tell her that I'd be spending Thanksgiving in New York. She didn't take it too badly when I told her, and she said that she has some extra time because Thanksgiving is on a Thursday, and she doesn't leave until Sunday morning, so she might take the train up here to see me. That would rock, because I REALLY want to see Claudia. The other BSC members too, but mostly Claud. Not that I don't want to spend time with Dad and Samantha- I do, it would just be nice to see my friends over the break. Plus, Sam is going home to be with his family, so I'll be all alone in the city. Oh well, I guess there's always Christmas Break.  
  
  
  
Nov 18:  
  
I am so bummed. Remember that friend of mine, Phil? The really cute guy from my math class? Well okay- he hasn't been to class in like, a month. I was getting really worried about him. I mean, we weren't THAT close, but we'd gone for coffee a few times, and besides, it wasn't like him to miss class that much. So I tried emailing him, and calling his cell phone, and I got no response. I mean, what if he got depressed again and did something drastic? Or if he was messed up with drugs again? Well FINALLY yesterday I got an email from. He said that he had gotten in a huge car accident, and was in the hospital. He just got home, and was in a wheelchair. He said he probably wouldn't be able to walk again until after Christmas. I was like, Holy Shit! I felt so bad for him. But what can you do? These things happen. I am dying to hear the details of the accident, but so far he hasn't responded to my emails. So I'll guess we'll see.  
  
  
  
Nov. 20:  
  
Baby-sitting for Rachael again. It's weird- baby-sitting used to be such a HUGE part of my life, and now, except for Rachael, I hardly ever do it. In fact, ever since I moved back to NYC my Junior year in high school, I never really babysat anymore, except for Henry and Grace, a couple of little kids in my old apartment building. I guess that's just part of life, and how people change though. Like the BSC- in eighth grade we were all so interested in it- Kristy, Claudia, MaryAnne, Dawn, Abby, Mallory, Jessi and I. But after we graduated from SMS, the BSC disbanded. Frankly, I wasn't too upset. I wanted to concentrate on my schoolwork and stuff. I don't think Claudia cared either- she had more time for her art. Kristy on the other hand, was heartbroken. MaryAnne was kind of upset about it too. They still babysat for some of our clients even after we broke up. I don't know what changed with me and Claudia… it just didn't interest us anymore. I mean, I still like little kids, and I love Rachael, but I was never as enthusiastic about babysitting again. I joined Math Team and Cheerleading at SHS, and that was more interesting to me. Then by my Junior Year I missed New York so terribly that I moved back to live with Dad and Samantha. I was never as close with any of the BSC members then, except for Claudia. It's kind of sad in a way, but life moves on. Oh- Rachael's crying. I better go!  
  
Nov.25:  
  
I met the most interesting girl on the subway today. She's a freshman at NYU, like me. Her name is Sarah, and she's originally from Staten Island. Her family moved to Manhattan two years ago. Sarah is the oldest of five girls, and they live in a three-bedroom apartment uptown. But that's not the interesting part. Sarah is only sixteen years old. She's an incredibly bright girl who finished high school in just three years (she was also skipped ahead in third grade). Anyway, she got into NYU at 16, and is now studying psychology. She says she wants to get her PhD and become a clinical psychologist for children with anxiety and mood disorders. When I first saw her, she was sitting reading Freud. A 16 year old who reads Freud on the subway. Geez- when I was 16 I was concerned with boys and nail polish and shopping. But not Sarah. Oh, the other interesting thing about Sarah is that her family is conservative Jewish. That means that they aren't real strict like the Orthodox Jews, but they do keep that Sabbath and Kosher laws, unlike Reforms (which is what Abby's family was). I've always found the Jewish religion interesting, especially since I wasn't raised religious. So anyway, Sarah and I exchanged phone numbers, and we are planning to get together sometime. I'm pretty excited- not only is Sarah really smart, but she has an incredible fashion sense, and so we are going to go shopping together in SoHo!  
  
Nov.27:  
  
The day before Thanksgiving. Yuck- today (Wednesday) is my first day of official Thanksgiving break, and what am I doing with it? Cleaning. Apparently Samantha invited her parents, James and Shirley Young of Jersey, to our apartment for Thanksgiving dinner. Also, she apparently did this without asking my Dad first. Not a good idea- so Dad comes home from work, Sam breaks the news to him, and Dad gets all pissed off. So now Dad is at work, and I am scrubbing the toilets and sinks. Real fair, huh? Sam screws up, and Dad punishes me. Oh well. I'm hoping the smoke will clear by tomorrow so that we can have a nice holiday.  
  
Nov.28:  
  
Well, it's Turkey Day. Luckily, Dad and Samantha have made up. Dad brought home roses, and everything is hunky dory. So the day started off with the four of us watching the Macy's parade (which I was in when I was six years old, by the way), and then Samantha started the turkey. Sam's parents arrived around 1pm, they are actually pretty nice. At Dad and Samantha's wedding Shirley called me her "step-granddaughter", which was pretty nice, considering my real grandparents are all dead. Dad was in a good mood too, because he likes Sam's parents. So it was a typical "family" Thanksgiving- the Youngs fawning over Rachael, a tasty dinner (Samantha is a good cook), and afterwards we all sat by the fireplace eating our pumpkin pie. I don't think I've had anything this close to a traditional family holiday since the divorce. It was actually pretty nice. 


	8. December

December 1st:  
  
Ahh, December. Thanksgiving is over, and the Holidays have officially begun. I kicked off the Holiday Season by going shopping. I know, the day after Thanksgiving, busiest shopping day of the year, in the middle of NYC- I'm crazy. But I loved it! I went with Samantha (Dad had Rachael) and we just window shopped, basically. I bought a few small things- a set of earrings for Claudia, a scarf for myself. But it was nice. The Christmas decorations were just starting to go up. I love the decorations at Christmastime. The wreaths on the lampposts, the red ribbons, and especially the big tree at Rockefeller Center. Sam and I go skating there. We have every year since he started going to NYU (my Jr year in HS). Then we have hot chocolate afterwards. We don't really schedule it- it's just a spontaneous thing. Well, I'm especially looking forward to spending the Holidays in Stoneybrook with Mom. I haven't seen the entire BSC since August- it will be nice to be all together. Sam and I are leaving the Saturday after finals end, which is about four days before Christmas Eve. I'm spending Christmas Eve with Thomases (Sam invited me) and then on Christmas Day, Mom and I are staying home alone and relaxing. I just love the Holidays!  
  
December 2nd:  
  
I hate the Holidays. Okay, I don't HATE them, because obviously I raved about the Christmas season in my last entry, but this time of year is so stressful. This is our last full week of classes. We go until Friday, and then we have a week off to study for finals. Then a full week of finals, and the semester is over. My first college finals. I'm not really sure what to expect. But I've decided I won't think about it until this week is over. There are other stressful parts of the Holiday too. I have to buy gifts for my family, my friends, and Sam. Is it me or is it always hard to shop for your boyfriend? Guys are horrible to shop for! I never know what to get him. He buys himself whatever he wants, and besides that, his stepfather is a millionaire! Maybe I'll just get him a gift certificate and take him to dinner here in the city over break. That may work. Also, I have to start packing for Stoneybrook. I've gained a few pounds since I've been in college (damn!), and well, my clothes back in Stoneybrook are a little too small. The tops aren't bad, but the pants, well. don't fit. So I have to bring pants from my apartment here. Maybe Mom will buy me some jeans for Christmas. That would be nice. Oh great- I just looked out my window and it's snowing. Joy. Not that I mind snow terribly, but here in the city it just melts and gets slushy, which isn't very pretty. Besides, it slows down the subways and it makes the walk from my bus to school very hellish. I wish in were in Stoneybrook when it snows, actually, because the snow sits very pretty on the lawns there. It's like a dusting of powdered sugar on a cake. Well, there's a lot to be done. Better go. Until next time!  
  
  
  
December 6th:  
  
Well, classes are done for the semester. They finished up yesterday. Now all I have to do is study and pass my finals, and I'm free! Sounds easy, right? Wrong! I'm sitting here at my desk with a stack of books and notes in front of me, trying to figure out where to start. Once I have a study plan, and get into it, I'm fine, no problems. But it's the getting into it that's so hard. This weekend (Sat and Sun), I'm taking a break. I need a few days off to relax and forget about school. So I'm going shopping for more presents today, and tonight Sam and I are going to dinner and a movie. Then on Sunday, I'm baby-sitting Rachael while Dad and Samantha go visit her parents. Why Rachael can't go with, I don't know. But I don't mind, really, I enjoy bonding with my sister. Actually, Dad asked me to baby-sit on Thursday night too, but I said no because I really feel I should study during that time, so Rachael's going to Samantha's friend's house. Well, I'm off to buy gifts. It's so hard to shop for my friends. I haven't seen some of them in nearly 6 months, and I have no idea of what they want. Have the changed? Have their tastes changed? Sigh. Maybe I'll just get everyone gift certificates.  
  
December 10th:  
  
Wednesday. I'm taking a study break. I'm so exhausted. Not that I've been up early or anything, I've actually been sleeping in because I'm on a study break, but other than that it's been constant studying. I'm trying to cram a full semester's work of four classes into break in only a week. Good luck, right? Actually, English isn't all that bad because we just have to make an outline for an essay, and I'm pretty much up to speed in my business class, but math is a real bitch. And I'm supposedly good at math! I can't even imagine how it would be like for someone who's not a math person- I hope to God they never take Prof. Yuanuto's Calc 2 class. Well, I guess I should get back to studying. I'm going nuts though. I go to sleep at night with images of X and Y and square roots in my head. Maybe I'll take a break from Calc and study for Sociology- it's a lot easier, and a little more interesting.  
  
December 13th:  
  
Well, only two more days until finals start. I have Calc and English on Monday. I really want to get the Calc out of the way. But, to relax and get my mind off of studying, I'm going out with Sam today. We're going for coffee at Starbucks, and who knows what else? Hey. maybe we can do our annual Rockefeller Skate! That would be fun! Cool. What should I wear? I have a new sweater and some new corduroys. that would be nice and warm. Things are good really well with Sam and I right now. We don't get to see each other a whole lot, even though we go to the same school, but it's kind of nice. It makes the time we do spend together a lot more special. The only drawback, is that lately with school and studying, we haven't had much time to um, be intimate. I really miss that part! Lately, I've been riding to school with my new friend, Sarah. She's really cool- I think I talked about her once. Even though we're really different, like she has a big family and I have one sister, we seem to understand each other. Okay- I got to go dry my hair before Sam comes! Later!  
  
December 15th:  
  
Monday- 3pm. Two finals down, two more to go. I think I did well on English- the essay went smoothly. I got a B+ on math, B for the semester. First ever B in a math class. Oh well, better luck next time. Got to finish studying for Soc and Business. It's not going to be easy- Rachael's got a cold and is wailing half the time. But I must persevere- the end is near. : ) (The end of the semester that is). Then I can relax and enjoy the whole month I will have off! 


	9. December2

NOTE: American Ballet Academy (ABA) is a made up company that comes from the movie Center Stage.  
  
  
  
December 18th:  
  
IT'S ALL OVER!!! I just finished my last final, Sociology. I think I did well. I got an A on the midterm, so if I get an A on the final, I'll have an A for the semester. But, I'm not going to worry about school anymore! I'm now officially on vacation! Claudia and Kristy are already done with school. Claudia finished last week and returned to Stoneybrook on Sunday, and Kristy's last final was yesterday. MaryAnne still has one more final tomorrow, and she'll be leaving Pembrooke on Saturday morning. It's about a three hour drive from there to Stoneybrook. Dawn is coming to Stoneybrook this year too. Now that she goes to college in LA, she sees her Dad, Carol and her siblings a lot, so she spends the holidays with her Mom. Dawn's flight isn't coming in until the 22nd (I think she wants to avoid the cold weather as long as possible). I'm not really all too sure about Mallory and Jessi. I heard that Jessi's back at SHS, so I guess she's probably done with classes, but I'm not sure when Mal's coming back from Riverbend. I'm so excited about seeing everyone again! AHH! I still have a little shopping left to do before I leave on Saturday. I try to buy most of my presents here in NY, because I can get original things here that you can't find in Stoneybrook. For example, I went to this little boutique in the Village, and bought an awesome top for Claud. It's blue, and it's made of light material. It has beads all over the bottom, and the sleeves are bell shaped. It's sort of hippy-ish. The only problem is that these boutiques cost a fortune. Creativity has it's price, I guess. Ok! Got lots to do! Better go now!  
  
  
  
December 20th:  
  
Well, here I am with Sam on the train to Stoneybrook. It's really nice to get to come with him- a lot of our friends have to say goodbye to their partners over break- but not us. This holiday has been really special for us. We've been going out for two years, and it seems like we just keep getting closer. Like, the other day after we went skating and got hot chocolate, we went back to Sam's dorm and just snuggled. No pressure to have sex, we just relaxed. I know that it won't be quite so peaceful when we get back to Stoneybrook, what with Sam's huge family and all, but hopefully he can come over to my house for a little R&R. I talked to Mom just before I left, and tonight she has plans to light a fire, make popcorn and watch movies. That sounds so nice right now. The best part is that unlike HS, I have no absolutely no homework to worry about. Actually, I don't really have any worries right now. Oops- the train is going to be stopping soon. I better put my notebook away. Kristy is picking us up in the Brewer's van when we get off, and she hates to wait. Later!  
  
  
  
  
  
December 23rd:  
  
BSC REUNION!!! Oh, I had such a great time! I just got back from Claud's now, it's around midnight. All of the BSC members were there- Kristy, Claudia, MaryAnne, Dawn, Mallory, Jessi and me. It was like old times, back in eighth grade before Mallory and Dawn left. We ate, we hugged, we cried, and we exchanged gifts (Claudia loved the top, btw). I was surprised to find that even though my friends had all changed, underneath, we are all still the same people. Kristy is a lot less abrasive than she used to be. She still is very take charge, but she's toned it down. She's decided to major in Elementary Education, and I think she's learning that teachers need to be very caring and gentle people. MaryAnne is still sweet and sensitive, but she's come out of her shell a lot. I think that being on her own at college has let her become more independent and has allowed her to find out who she really is, for herself. Claudia's even more wild than she was when she left. She has THREE piercings in each ear now- two on the bottom, and one on the top of her ear. Her hair is cut short, spiked and dyed purple. It looks- interesting. She also has her tongue pierced. I can't even begin to imagine what the Kishis said when they saw her. But she is still the nicest, funniest friend I have. For Christmas she gave me a purse that she crocheted herself, and a matching hat. They are just gorgeous, and it means even more to have something that Claud made. Dawn is the one who shocked us all tonight. On the outside, she still looks the same. But she made an announcement that no one was expecting- she's a lesbian. Now, I have no problems with gays and lesbians, in fact I'm very FOR gay and lesbian rights. But I think it's just the shock that I never knew. I mean, Dawn and I were pretty close before she left. But I don't think she really even knew herself until this year. In any event, we are all here to support her. Mallory is much more grown up looking- she's 16 now, and the braces are gone, she has contacts and her hair isn't so curly- it has more gentle waves. She's much more outgoing and relaxed, and Riverbend seems to have given her tons of confidence. Good for her. I also found out the full story on Jessi. Apparently, Jessi got injured while dancing at an ABA performance. Her knee was screwed up so badly, that they told her she would probably never dance professionally, and they didn't see a point of keeping her in the school. So Jessi's returned to SHS. She seems a little down, but she is taking classes with Mme. Noelle, and has found a new passion- jazz and modern dance (not so hard on the knees). Well, I've written a ton, and I'm really tired, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
December 24th (Christmas Eve):  
  
  
  
Actually, since it's 2:15 am, it's Christmas Day. Merry Christmas! I spent the afternoon and evening at the Brewer/Thomas house, and it was a MADHOUSE! In addition to all the Brewers and Thomases, I was there, and Charlie Thomas brought his fiancée, Kathy. She seems nice, she's tall, thin and has short brown hair. They work together at Edgewater Insurance, in Stamford. This was one of the first times she has meet all of the Brewer/Thomases, and frankly I felt a little bad for her. Even though I'm totally familiar with the whole family, I sometimes feel a little weird too. I also feel torn- I want to spend time with Sam, because he's my boyfriend, but I also want to spend time with Kristy, since she's my friend. It's hard trying to split my time evenly between them. We had a huge dinner prepared by Watson- turkey, mashed potates with gravy, cranberry sauce, salad, rolls- all the food you could want. After dinner, Watson lit a fire, and we all sat around and chatted. The only thing that's hard is that Kristy's mom and family are pretty religious. They're Catholic, and they believe in saying the prayers, lighting the advent wreath, and at midnight, they placed the Baby Jesus in the manager. They had to wait until that was done, and then everyone could open their gifts. I'm not religious (as I've mentioned), and I'm not even sure I believe in Jesus, which makes it hard. I know I'm a hypocrite then, for celebrating Christmas, but my family has always celebrated the secular part, and I figure why stop now? It's tradition. Anyway, Sam got me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas, and his parents gave me a matching hat, glove and scarf set. It was very nice to feel included in the gifts (Kristy had given me her gifts at the BSC party). I have to say though, the Brewer/Thomas kids are kind of spoiled. Emily (who's 7) and Andrew (who's 9) were tearing into plies of presents, and tossing aside the things they didn't like. Karen used to be a little more like that, but now that she's 12, she's a little more polite. I could tell this was a hard Christmas for Mrs. Brewer and Kristy especially, because it's their first since Nannie died. They weren't crying or anything, but there was a certain sadness in the expressions. Well, I had better get some sleep. It's almost 3 am and Mom wants me to wake up at 8 tomorrow for breakfast!  
  
December 26th:  
  
The Holidays are over. Mom and I had a nice quiet breakfast at home- she made eggs, bacon, muffins and bagels (all things I could eat), and then after that we opened our gifts. I got Mom a sweater, a matching jewelry and earrings set (handmade by Claud), and a gift certficate to her favorite office supply store (for her boutique). Mom got me a few pairs of pants- two jeans and a pair of cords), as well as some smaller things. We rested and then in the afternoon, we went over to the Kishi's for dinner. That was really nice. Mrs. Kishi made a chicken, and some rice pilaf. I was really surprised to see how much Janine has changed. This is her Senior year of college (she's at Harvard), and seems so much, well, more normal! For instance, she was wearing black flares, a white silk shirt over a black cami, and her hair was cut short, but not in her usual pageboy style. This was more of a loose bob. When I got there, I expected her to greet me with a formal "Hello" or "Good Day", but instead she smiled warmly and said "Hey Stacey". Interesting. Well, now that Christmas is done, I have to start making plans for New Years Eve!  
  
December 30th:  
  
Well, I think that (hopefully) my New Year's Eve plans are solidified. Originally Sam and I were going to go the city, and stand in Times Square and watch the ball drop. That's always fun, and I haven't done that since I was in high school. But then Kristy had another idea. She suggested that we all get together (all of the BSC members, I mean) and have a sleepover just like we used to. Even though it's childish, the idea seemed fun. Just relaxing, eating and chatting, nothing to worry about it. So I agreed. So did everyone else. So, tomorrow evening around 6 we're all meeting at Dawn and MaryAnne's house for a sleepover. I felt bad leaving Sam without any plans, but it's okay, because he said that him and Charlie were probably going to just chill at their house, since Kathy is going to be with her family. Dawn and Mary Anne are providing most of the food, but I'm still going to bring a fresh fruit salad, since I probably can't eat a lot of the other crap their going to serve. It's weird, but I'm so excited about this now! It will be just like old times.  
  
December 31st:  
  
12:00 midnight- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 


	10. January

January 1st:  
  
Ahh- 5 pm and I just woke up. I am so tired, since I didn't get home until 11am today, and then I ate a quick lunch and practically fell into bed. But last night was a BLAST! It was just like old times, all of us BSC members gathered together at Mary Anne and Dawn's house. We talked about everything- college, boys, sex, clothes, our plans for the future. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed my friends until last night. I missed our sleepovers- just the eight of us, sitting around in our pajamas, laughing and talking, and eating popcorn. The only low point of the evening was when Kristy and Abby got into some argument. It started out over some sports thing, and eventually moved to school, guys and everything else. But by the end they were laughing, and so were the rest of us. Kristy and Abby always did argue a lot, since both are so opinonated. The amazing thing about last night was that we didn't just chat, but we had some serious conversations. Like with Dawn, about her being a lesbian. I never realized how difficult some people could make life for her. They can be very cruel, just because of her sexuality. They don't realize how beautiful a person Dawn is, all the see her as being is "some lesbian chick". It's disgusting to think how mean people can be. Then there's Claudia, who's met Brett, this amazing guy at school. She says that he's everything she ever wanted in a boyfriend. I am so amazingly happy for her. Well, I have to go eat dinner now (Diabetes forces you to eat very much on schedule), but I will add more later!  
  
  
  
January 7th:  
  
My last day in Stoneybrook. I'm pretty sad about that. It's been a great vacation- I've had a lot of fun with my friends, I spent some quiet time with Sam, and it was so nice to see Mom again. I also spent some time working at 'Fresh' (her store, remember?), and made some money (much needed by a college student). Today I'm just finishing packing some of my stuff, saying goodbye to Claudia, who leaves tomorrow (Dawn and Abby already left, and Mary Anne's leaving today). Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sam and I are taking the 10 am train back to New York. I have a one day rest (well, technically the whole break has been a rest) and the classes start again on Monday already. It's gone by way too fast! Oops! I gotta run! I' m supposed to meet Claud at the Rosebud Café in 20 minutes!!! Bye!  
  
January 9th:  
  
Back in New York. I slept later today (noon), but the thing that sucks about sleeping late when you have Diabetes, is that you can't really do it. I had to get up at 8am, take my shot, eat my breakfast, and then return to bed. Sure I fell back asleep because I was plenty tired, but it just wasn't the same, you know? But now I'm up ( I woke up when Rachael started screaming for food), and I'm just sitting here writing. I had a nice lunch with Dad, Samantha and Rachael. I really missed them while I was gone. When I got back they gave me all my Christmas gifts, and I gave them theirs. I got a really nice sweater from Samantha, as well as a gift certificate to Bloomie's from both Dad and Sam. Rachael also "gave me" a picture of herself, taken professionally. It's so cute, I'm going to put it on my desk. Rachael is 7 months old now, almost 8 months. It's hard to believe! She is getting to be a real character. She laughs, smiles, and she can crawl. Her head, which was once almost bald except for a little peach fuzz, now has a mass of golden curls on top, and her eyes are sparkling blue. Everyone says she looks like me, which I take as a compliment, because she's so cute. Sigh- classes start tomorrow. Some schools (like Kristy's) get over four weeks for vacation. I only get a little less than three. Not fair! This semester should be (slightly) easier since I'm more familiar with how the school works. I'm taking Calculus 3 (oh Lord, good luck with that one!), English 102, Psychology 101, Accounting 102, Economics 101. Five classes- I hope I can manage! My first class isn't until 10 am tomorrow, which means I don't have to leave for the subway until around 9. I have English 102 at 10 with Professor Livingston. My friend Ronia had her for 101, and says she's a good prof. Then at 12:30 I have Economics 101 with Professor Gies (never heard of him) and then at 3:00 I have Calc 3, with Professor Hartley (never heard of him either). I suppose I should go see if Samantha needs help with Rachael. Later.  
  
  
  
January 15th:  
  
Well, I'm back in the swing of things at school. It was nice to see my friends again, especially Sarah, and this other girl, Ronia, who I'm friends with. Ronia's family went to Florida over the holidays. They're Muslim, and they don't celebrate Christmas, and since Ramadan was over long ago, they decided to take a trip to Disney world with her two younger brothers. Sarah ended up being in my English class, so I have lots of time to talk to her, between English and riding the Subway/bus together. She had a great Hanukkah season- she and her family go to her grandmother's in Long Island in every year on the first and last nights of Hanukkah for a big celebration. The nights in between she says they stay at home and celebrate, and also go to synagogue. Between Sarah and Ronia, I've been learning a lot about other religions! It's interesting for me though, since (as I've mentioned) I wasn't raised religious. Other than that, I am really enjoying my classes this semester. My Accounting 101 class is VERY interesting. and the professor is great. I really like him- he makes the lectures interesting, not dry and boring (well, as interesting as Accounting can be!) The best part of this semester, however, has been my yoga class I'm taking. When I was in Stoneybrook, Mom took me to a couple of her Yoga classes. They were really relaxing- a nice break from the hectic days. So, she offered to pay for me to take classes here in NYC. I found a class at small Dance/Aerobic Studio near NYU, so I signed up. The class meets on Wednesdays from 7-8pm, and it's all adult women over the age of 18. I have met some amazing women in that class- there are few college students like me, including one girl named Charity who I've gotten pretty close with. Then there are a lot of women my mom's age, mostly mothers and businesswomen who are stressed out. There are also quite a few women in their 40's and 50's, a lot of them looking to relax from the stresses of menopause. One of the most amazing women, though, is a woman named Elizabeth. She's 72 years old, and in great shape. She's into Yoga and Relaxation. I find it inspiring that at her age, she is still interested in keeping her body in good condition. I hope to be like her when I'm that age! Well, I'm tired, and it's time for be so I think I will leave off here. Night!  
  
  
  
January 18th:  
  
Today was Saturday, and it was also Samantha's birthday. She turned 30. I can't believe she's that young (well her maiden name is Young, I guess). But my Dad is going to be 42 this summer. that's a huge age difference! He could have baby-sat for her. But it doesn't matter now, I guess. We had a little party for her here at home, just the four of us, which was nice. Then for dinner Dad and Samantha went out with some of their friends, and I'm babysitting for Rachael, which is why I'm stuck home on a perfectly good Saturday night. I asked Sam to come over and help me sit, but he's home writing a huge paper that he has due. Rachael's asleep now, as it's almost 11:00, but Dad and Samantha won't be home until 1 or 2 am. However, I think I will close my eyes and try to rest a little, and hope I will wake up if Rachael cries. Later!  
  
  
  
January 19th:  
  
Remember that friend of mine from Yoga, Charity? She and I went walking in Central Park this morning. We left at 8 am, which was a real shock for me considering I normally don't WAKE UP until 8 on Sundays. Charity's really nice though- she has long, dishwater blonde hair (sort of like Dawn's, only darker and thicker), green eyes, and she's very petite. She a Sophomore at Columbia University here in New York. She's a poet, and she's majoring in English. Oh yeah, she's also a very devout Christian. Now, some of my friends are Christian, however they're not quite as "gung ho" about it as Charity is. Charity says she's Evangelical, and she wears a cross all the time, and is always talking about "Christ" and "Her Lord". She asked me to go to Church with her after our walk, but I felt really weird about that since I'm not at all religious. In fact, I'm not even Christian, really. I believe in God, I'm not an atheist, however I don't really know what I think about Jesus. But I've been thinking about religion a lot lately. What's interesting, is that most of my Stoneybrook friends are at least a little religious. Claudia's family is Christian- no particular denomination. They go to The First Congregational Church of Stoneybrook. I've been there twice- once when Mimi died, and once when Lynn was christened. Mary Anne isn't any particular religion either- her father was Presbyterian and her mother was Jewish. However Mary Anne sometimes goes to church with her father. Kristy's family, as I mentioned, is Roman Catholic, as is Mallory Pike's family. Dawn's family is Methodist, and Jessi's family is Baptist. Most of them go to Church on Christmas and Easter, at least. Abby is the only non-Christian member of the BSC (well aside from Mary Anne), and she is a Reformed Jew. That means that she practices Judaism, but not to the full extent that my friend Sarah, an Orthodox Jew, would. But she still keeps Kosher and she goes to synagogue on the High Holy Days. But when it comes to religion, I am thoroughly confused. My mother's family had been Roman Catholic, and my father's family had been Episcopalian. When I was born, the fought over where to have me baptiszed, so as a result I wasn't baptiszed. I almost wish I had been born one religion- it would have made things a lot easier.  
  
January 25th:  
  
Today Samantha and I spent the day together. We went shopping at Bloomingdale's, then we went to lunch, then we just windowed shopped down in SoHo. Even though at first I didn't really like Samantha (probably because my dad HID her from me practically), I'm really glad to have her as my stepmother. My own mother is great, but when I'm here in New York, it's nice to have another female around. For example, it was always hard to explain to my dad why I would occasionally have to run to the drugstore at 10:00 at night for 'woman things'. At first when Rachael was born, I was worried that my dad might get divorced and that Rachael would be a divorced kid like me. But now I've realized something- my dad has really loosened up. Not that he was ever strict or uptight like MaryAnne's dad, but he was a workaholic. It was one of the things that caused the divorce, actually. But I also realized that the reason he's changed is because of Samantha. He loves her (and Rachael) so much that he's willing to make it work. I don't feel bad about it either, because as much as I wish he and my mom were together, I know he and Samantha are more right for one another. If I can't have one perfect family, I might as well have two great ones.  
  
  
  
January 29th:  
  
Grrrr! I don't know what is up with Sam lately. For the last week or two he's been so crabby. Even since school started actually. Now I know school is a big stressor, but Sam's a junior and he should be used to it by now. Besides, he didn't act this way at the start of the year. I called Kristy a few days ago, and she said he's been equally weird with her and her family. We were supposed to go out on Sunday, for lunch, but at the last minute he called and cancelled. After classes today, we were studying in his dorm, and he was being such a pain! We ended up having a little argument over something stupid, and it snowballed into a huge fight. He eventually yelled, "Just go home Stacey! Just go!" So I did. I hailed a cab and went home. Of course I cried my share of tears on the way. Not just because he hurt me (which he did), but also because I wish I knew what was bugging him. Maybe I could help him if I did.or at least I could talk to him. Sigh. On the upside, Rachael is now crawling like crazy. She's so cute the way she scoots around. But in an apartment that used to be occupied by two adults and a teenager, we had to do a very thorough baby-proofing. Most of everything I own is now on top of my desk or dresser. But she's growing so fast, and is so adorable, I'm not mad. I guess I'll finish studying alone now. Later. 


	11. February 1

February 1st:  
  
Saturday  
  
Okay, I've given Sam two days to cool off, and so I called him. He didn't sound mad at me, but he wasn't exactly all friendly either. So I asked him what was up. He got kind of crabby and said "nothing". Eventually he did apologize for kicking me out on Friday, but the whole conversation was very awkward. So I called Kristy, and asked her what was up with her brother. She said she didn't know either, but he's been acting weird around her family too. The whole situation is just. odd. I wish he'd tell me what's bugging him. Maybe it's me. I mean, we have been going out for almost three years, not counting the on/off thing we before that. I must admit sometimes I get a little bored in the relationship, and I wonder if there is someone else meant for me. But over all, I love Sam and would never want to end it out of boredom. But if that IS the case, why doesn't he just tell me. MEN. Oh well, I have a major paper to write, so I better get going. More later.  
  
February 2nd: Sunday  
  
Groundhog Day! Puxatonnie Phil did see his shadow. and he got scared and ran back in his hole. I think that means 6 more weeks of winter. Darn, I'm really sick of winter. I think the whole groundhog thing is stupid. I mean, if the damn thing is scared of his shadow, how reliable can he be? So I turned in a major psychology paper today. A research paper on clinical depression. Depression is actually pretty common in people with diabetes, but they aren't sure why. I guess I'm lucky I've made it this far without becoming majorly depressed. Now I have to do a power point presentation on it. I'm pretty good at power point, so that will help. The better the show, the better the grade, right? Oh yeah, I heard from Claudia today. She's doing really well in art school. she actually really loves her art history class. Imagine Claudia loving any kind of history! But she says that it makes sense to her, which is great. She's still seeing that guy, Brett. They're actually getting pretty close. Claud told me they had sex for the first time together a few weeks ago. Not that Claud's a virgin (not even close), but she said it was extra special with Brett. I think she's in L-U- V. Hee hee, I used to say that back in 8th grade. Oh my gosh, I gotta go! I'm supposed to meet my econ group at the library to work on a project!  
  
February 5th: Wednesday  
  
Yesterday sucked. It all started off bad, when I missed my bus after getting off the subway had to wait 20 minutes for the next one and was almost late for my first class. That wasn't the worst though. On my lunch break, I spotted Sam and two his friends, Lisa and Amanda. Not that I care if Sam has female friends, I'm not the jealous type. But one particular group of friends (the group that Lisa and Amanda are from) really gets on my nerves. They're loud and obnoxious, they drink a lot, and I know some of them smoke pot and stuff. I just don't like the effect they have on Sam when they're around. They turn them into someone he's not. Sam knows them from his freshman year (they're his age) and he used to be a lot more like them- smoking and drinking quite a lot. But he realized that wasn't his thing and he gave a lot of it up. But when he's with these friends, he sort of reverts back to that old Sam. Anyway, I saw the three of them out in the courtyard, and Lisa and Amanda where smoking, and next thing I knew, Lisa was giving him a light. I don't think Sam saw me from where he was standing, but he hasn't called me all day. I just really don't know what's going on with him. Last ,when I got home, there was a note saying my pm yoga class was cancelled. Great. and on the one day I could really use it. I guess everyone has those days, huh? Man do they suck.  
  
February 10th:  
  
Sunday  
  
Heard from Laine today. She called me around 1pm. I was like, what is Laine calling me at 1pm on a Sunday for? And all the way from Chicago. But it turns out Laine wasn't calling from Chicago. She's right here in New York. Turns out, Laine didn't do so well at Northwestern last semester. She lost a few of her scholarships because, as she put it, "I sat around my dorm smoking pot every day," and so she had to leave the school. Her parents weren't all too happy with that, in fact, they kicked Laine out of the apartment. So now Laine is living with her boyfriend, "Bud", while she works at a beauty shop in SoHo giving Henna tattoos. She's like "Oh Stace, come down to the parlor. I'll tattoo you and we can chat." I wish I had the time! Laine says she's thinking about heading to school to become a masseuse, but she isn't sure. Well, Laine was never one to the follow the crowd. But I wish she did it in ways they weren't so harmful to herself. I mean, she's pretty heavy into drugs: pot, LSD, PCP, ecstacy. the whole bit. I actually feel kinda sorry for her.  
  
  
  
February 14th (9:00 am)  
  
Thursday  
  
Valentine's Day. Normally, one of my favorite holidays. But with things being so weird with Sam, I'm not so sure. He called me this morning to say happy v-day and to confirm our plans for dinner tonight. I think I'll wear something simple- black dress, black heels, and pearls. I don't really feel like being to creative. I didn't even really know what to get Sam for v- day. So I got him a gift certificate to his favorite coffee house. Good enough. We'll see how things go tonight. I think things have really improved with us, although still not to the point of "normal". I never did mention that I saw him with Amanda and Lisa, but he apologized for acting so weirdly, and he has been paying a lot more attention to me. In fact, he had red roses (12 of em) delivered to my door at around 6 am with a card that said, "Happy Valentine's Day, baby". That's more like the old Sam I know. Hopefully, tonight will make everything right.  
  
February 14th (11:30pm)  
  
Thursday  
  
Sam and I broke up. 


	12. February 2

February 15th: Friday  
  
Okay, I needed a day to process all this. By process, of course, I mean sobbing in my room for hours wondering what I'd done wrong. I still don't really know what happened. Claud says it's not my fault, he's just an ass, but I can't say that about him. I still love him. At least I think I do. Anyway, we were at dinner, at my favorite restaurant, Noodle Express. We were just talking and so I sort of casually mentioned that I saw him smoking with Amanda and Lisa the other day. Well, he got all defensive, and was like "SO?". I mean really, I told him I didn't care, I was just mentioning it. Then he started accusing me of being way too jealous and uptight, blah blah blah. So we started yelling (people were staring at us). It got really ugly, and I accused him of some awful things, and he called me a slut and stuff. So I told him to go to hell, I hailed a cab and came home. I feel so stupid. I mean, I could have avoided the whole thing if I had just shut my mouth. I'm such an idiot. But he didn't have to take it like that. And it really hurt that he called me a slut and a whore. I know why it is. because I have lotsa guy friends who always are crushing on me. He gets so jealous of them. But it's not my fault! I've always been faithful to him. I guess Claud's right, I don't need him. But I sure do miss him.  
  
February 20th: Wednesday  
  
Haven't written for almost a week. Sorry. It's just been a real crappy week so far. Well first there was Sam, which has left me pretty depressed. It doesn't help that a few days ago I saw him with Amanda. alone. They looked pretty close. I've also been fighting this nasty cold which totally throws my blood sugar off whack. I had a pop quiz in Calc, and since I've been doing basically nothing all week besides lounging and watching TV, I didn't do so well. I didn't flunk, but I now have a serious dent in my class average. Sigh, sigh, sigh.  
  
February 23rd: Saturday  
  
Sam called me today. He said he just wanted to apologize for what he'd said to me. So I apologized back. But we agreed that our relationship had some problems, like the fact that I am so jealous of his friends (the pot heads at least). So we're still broken up. I asked him about Amanda. He kind of paused for a minute and he was like "well, we're sort of seeing each other." I figured as much. That slut was probably just waiting to get me out of the picture so she could have him. He probably wanted her too. They deserve each other. But all I said was "oh". The conversation sort of died after that. I never really thought about what would happen. I mean, I've been in love with him for awhile and we were always friends before that. I didn't want to lose him as a friend, but it would be sort of weird otherwise. And what about when I go to Kristy's and see him? Will that be weird? I used to think that Sam and I would get married, have kids. Now will who I marry? God what a stupid thought. But really, there are no other guys that I really like right now. All I ever wanted was Sam. I'm home on a Saturday night, my head hurts and Rachael's crying really loudly. I think I'm going to bed.  
  
February 24th: Sunday  
  
Laine had the day off, so I headed over by her and we went for coffee. My relationship with Laine is another weird one. Even though I've known her all my life, I've never really felt close to her in the way I have to Claudia or the other BSC members for that matter. Maybe it's because in 8th grade we had a huge fight. I didn't even really talk to her again until our junior year of high school when I moved back to NYC and went back to Parker Academy, where Laine also goes to school. By that point, I had matured a little and she had loosened up a little, and we clicked again. But sometimes, there's that little bit of akwardness. Like today. It was really nice to see her. She looks so different. very Bohemian. Her curly brown hair is long, almost to her mid back, and she's lost weight. She looks very skinny, and she had bags under her eyes, undoubtedly from all the weed. She was wearing a loose hippie shirt which hung off of her, dirty flare jeans and sandals. When I saw her, she said "Hey Stace" in a sort of wistful way and wrapped in a tight hug. She smelled of incense, pot and something else. I don't know what. We talked about how life has been. She told me all about her college adventures, and her family and I told her about me and Sam. Although she said she was very happy, I could tell she wasn't, really. She seemed really sad telling me about how she left Northwestern and the fight she'd had with her parents. She showed me her henna work she'd done on her own hands and arms. It was like this was her pride, all she had to show of her accomplishments. When I left, I promised Laine I'd see her again soon, and trudged back to the subway feeling depressed.  
  
February 28th: Thursday  
  
Last day of the month, can't say I'm sorry. This past one has really sucked. I haven't talked to Sam since the last call, but I've seen him with Amanda plenty of times, and all of them were positively nauseating. I even saw them kiss once. She's such a whore. I bet she's giving him his dessert, I mean why else would he want her? On a bright site, I'm going back to Stoneybrook for Spring Break. Kristy says Sam is staying in NewYork, so it will be a truly relaxing vacation. Yay! Claud has the same break, so I'll get to see her. Only two more weeks. 


	13. March

Monday, March 2nd: Happy March! The month has come in like lion, considering it got up to 65  
  
degrees yesterday. I'm right at the start of midterms, so I've got lots of  
  
studying to do. I promise to write more as soon as I'm break.  
  
Tuesday, March 10th: OMG, I haven't written in SOOO long. I'm really sorry about that, but I have  
  
been so, so busy. Last week was midterms at NYU and I was studying my ass off.  
  
I think I did okay though, but I am a little concerned about my math grade.  
  
Then there was Sam. I still haven't talked to him since our breakup. It's not  
  
that I don't want to, I do, I just have no idea what I would say to him if I  
  
did talk to him, ya know? I do want to be his friend, especially after all  
  
we've shared, but it's hard. I am finally back at home for a wonderful  
  
weeklong break, and it feels nice. I've slept late pretty much everyday and in  
  
the afternoons I've helped out at Mom's store doing inventory. Claudia is on  
  
vacation this week too, and it's really the first time I've seen her since  
  
Christmas. Truthfully, I'm a little disappointed because all she talks about  
  
is her new boyfriend, Bret. Bret is an artist, which in Claudia's book makes  
  
him a god. I had kind of hoped to have a girl's week with Claud, but if it  
  
isn't bad enough that all she TALKS about is Bret, Bret is flying in on  
  
Thursday to spend the weekend with Claud. I'll feel like a total third wheel.  
  
At least I have Kristy, who isn't on break but doesn't have any classes on  
  
Friday. I can hang out with her and feel comfortable knowing that Sam is in  
  
New York, so there's not chance of running into him. Sigh. Sam. Well, I've  
  
actually got a baby-sitting job today! I haven't had one of those in SO long,  
  
at least, one that wasn't for Rachael. This is nice, considering that I don't  
  
usually get paid to sit for Rachael. This job is actually for Claud's cousins,  
  
Lynn and Riley Benedict. Lynn's really sweet, she's 5 years old and her little  
  
brother is 2. Speaking of the Benedicts, I better hurry up and get ready to  
  
go! Later!  
  
Saturday, March 14th: My last day in Stoneybrook. It's sort of sad, I couldn't wait for this break  
  
to begin and now it's already over. Tomorrow (Sunday) I will be back on the  
  
train to New York. Back to my humdrum life of school, books and studying.  
  
Don't I sound excited? It's not that I don't live my life there, but lately  
  
it's been pretty boring. Without my true friends, without mom. and without  
  
Sam. I'm DYING to give Sam a call but I don't know if I should. Claudia says I  
  
should forget him and move on. Kristy says he secretly misses me and I should  
  
call him. I just don't know. Speaking of Claud, I ended up having a fun break  
  
with her after all. She slept over Wednesday day and we talked late into the  
  
night. Then on Thursday night after Bret arrived the four of us (including  
  
Kristy) went for coffee. He seems like a cool guy, and he's really Claudia's  
  
type. I'm happy for her. Friday night Claudia, Bret and I went dancing at a  
  
club in Stamford we had a lot of fun. Claud even let me dance with Bret once-  
  
he's a good dancer! Tonight the happy couple wants to be alone, but that's  
  
fine with me because mom and I are going to have girls night watching movies  
  
and stuffing ourselves full of popcorn. I think tomorrow before I leave I'll  
  
invite Claudia, Kristy and Bret over for brunch. I will continue this entry  
  
when I get back to NYC!  
  
Monday, March 16th: Back in New York, back to the old schedule. I was eating lunch in the Student Center today, and I saw Sam hanging around. By himself for once. I was thisclose to going up and talking to him, but something stopped me. It was either my nerves, my sense of dignity, or that delicious tuna sandwich sitting in front of me. Yum. Anyway, he actually looked kind of forlorn sitting there alone.Maybe I will call him. Not to get back together of course, I don't think I could do that, but just a friends. Maybe we could catch a movie Times Square this weekend. Yeah, okay.l I better do it now, if I'm going to... before I lose my nerve. Here goes. Back! I called Sam, and he was there! It was kind of awkward at first:  
  
Him: Hello?  
  
Me: Hi Sam?  
  
Him: Yeah?  
  
Me: Hi. It's Stacey. Mc Gill, I mean. Stacey McGill.  
  
Him: PAUSE. Oh, hi Stacey, what's up?  
  
Me: Oh nothing really, how was your break?  
  
Him: Pretty good, relaxing. Yours?  
  
Me: It was cool, I went back to Stoneybrook, saw Kristy and Claud.  
  
Him: I know.  
  
Me: Oh?  
  
Him: I mean, Kristy told me.  
  
Me: Oh. (I know, I sound real intelligent, do I?)  
  
Him: So...  
  
Me: Well, uh, the reason I'm calling is to see if you wanted to hang out. As friends, I mean.  
  
Him: Okay, sure.  
  
Me: Cool- did you want catch a movie this weekend?  
  
Him: Yeah that's cool. I'm free Friday...  
  
Me: Great! Friday sounds good.  
  
Him: Cool. How 'bout I come by you at 7?  
  
Me: Great.  
  
Him: Okay see ya.  
  
Me: Bye!  
  
Do I sound too desperate? I guess I was just glad that he was talking to me at all. I hope it's not too awkward hanging with him  
  
on Friday... but we did go out for two years so let's hope not!  
  
Thursday, March 18th: Tomorrow is the day I'm going out with Sam! Eeek! Everyone says I'm too excited about this... Samantha even ventured to ask if I still liked him. As if! I do not like Sam.... at least not in a sexual way, its just cool we're gonna finally hang out. Then again, Samantha's been weird lately. Very moody, so who cares what she thinks. I think I'm gonna wear my new jeans, my black one-sleeved top and my black platform sandals. Casual, but sophisticated. I promise to update after the date!  
  
Saturday, March 20th:  
  
I made such an ASS out of myself. God, I want to die. I have never been so stupid in my life. Okay, let me back up.It was Friday night. Sam and I had just finished watching "Bringing Down the House" (I decided it would be best to see a comedy).We decided to stop at this diner in the square for a bite to eat before we went home. Everything was going fine, and the uncomfortable moments had been minimal. Fast forward to the cab ride home. Sam turns to me. He's looking into my eyes, and he says softly, "Stacey, I...". Stupid me, I take this as a sign he likes me. Oh god- he still loves me! I turn to him, and i kiss him. Romantically. After we come up, I notice Sam is like the darkest shade of red that I've ever seen. We wipes his mouth (Oh shit, I'm thinking) and says to me, "Stacey, what I wanted to tell you was that I'm dating Amanda Robbins." SHIT. Oh dear god, what did I do? "Oh." was all I could say. I spent the rest of the cab ride turned around, facing the window so that Sam couldn't see my crying. What did I do. I guess I really do still love Sam, and I can't decided what hurts worse- the fact that I kissed him, or that fact that he's dating Amanda. I AM SCUM. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even on this earth. I'm going to bed. I SUCK.  
  
Friday, March 26th:  
I've spent the week in a depressed stupor. I tried to avoid Sam on campus all week, and I pretty much succeeded. I ran into him once, in the student center but I didn't make eye contact with him and I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice me, since he was with Amanda. I.... hang on the phone is ringing.OH MY GOD.... I've got to go- I just got a call....... I have to get down to Mt. Sinai hospital..... fast. 


	14. March2

Monday, March 2nd:  
  
Happy March! The month has come in like lion, considering it got up to 65 degrees yesterday. I'm right at the start of midterms, so I've got lots of  
  
studying to do. I promise to write more as soon as I'm break.  
  
Tuesday, March 10th:  
  
OMG, I haven't written in SOOO long. I'm really sorry about that, but I have been so, so busy. Last week was midterms at NYU and I was studying my ass off. I think I did okay though, but I am a little concerned about my math grade.  
  
Then there was Sam. I still haven't talked to him since our breakup. It's not  
  
hat I don't want to, I do, I just have no idea what I would say to him if I  
  
did talk to him, ya know? I do want to be his friend, especially after all  
  
we've shared, but it's hard. I am finally back at home for a wonderful  
  
weeklong break, and it feels nice. I've slept late pretty much everyday and in  
  
the afternoons I've helped out at Mom's store doing inventory. Claudia is on  
  
vacation this week too, and it's really the first time I've seen her since  
  
Christmas. Truthfully, I'm a little disappointed because all she talks about  
  
is her new boyfriend, Bret. Bret is an artist, which in Claudia's book makes  
  
him a god. I had kind of hoped to have a girl's week with Claud, but if it  
  
isn't bad enough that all she TALKS about is Bret, Bret is flying in on  
  
Thursday to spend the weekend with Claud. I'll feel like a total third wheel.  
  
At least I have Kristy, who isn't on break but doesn't have any classes on  
  
Friday. I can hang out with her and feel comfortable knowing that Sam is in  
  
New York, so there's not chance of running into him. Sigh. Sam. Well, I've  
  
actually got a baby-sitting job today! I haven't had one of those in SO long,  
  
at least, one that wasn't for Rachael. This is nice, considering that I don't  
  
usually get paid to sit for Rachael. This job is actually for Claud's cousins,  
  
Lynn and Riley Benedict. Lynn's really sweet, she's 5 years old and her little  
  
brother is 2. Speaking of the Benedicts, I better hurry up and get ready to  
  
go! Later!  
  
Saturday, March 14th:  
  
My last day in Stoneybrook. It's sort of sad, I couldn't wait for this break  
  
to begin and now it's already over. Tomorrow (Sunday) I will be back on the  
  
train to New York. Back to my humdrum life of school, books and studying.  
  
Don't I sound excited? It's not that I don't live my life there, but lately  
  
it's been pretty boring. Without my true friends, without mom. and without  
  
Sam. I'm DYING to give Sam a call but I don't know if I should. Claudia says I  
  
should forget him and move on. Kristy says he secretly misses me and I should  
  
call him. I just don't know. Speaking of Claud, I ended up having a fun break  
  
with her after all. She slept over Wednesday day and we talked late into the  
  
night. Then on Thursday night after Bret arrived the four of us (including  
  
Kristy) went for coffee. He seems like a cool guy, and he's really Claudia's  
  
type. I'm happy for her. Friday night Claudia, Bret and I went dancing at a  
  
club in Stamford we had a lot of fun. Claud even let me dance with Bret once-  
  
he's a good dancer! Tonight the happy couple wants to be alone, but that's  
  
fine with me because mom and I are going to have girls night watching movies  
  
and stuffing ourselves full of popcorn. I think tomorrow before I leave I'll  
  
invite Claudia, Kristy and Bret over for brunch. I will continue this entry  
  
when I get back to NYC!  
  
Monday, March 16th: Back in New York, back to the old schedule. I was eating lunch in the Student Center today, and I saw Sam hanging around. By himself for once. I was thisclose to going up and talking to him, but something stopped me. It was either my nerves, my sense of dignity, or that delicious tuna sandwich sitting in front of me. Yum. Anyway, he actually looked kind of forlorn sitting there alone.Maybe I will call him. Not to get back together of course, I don't think I could do that, but just a friends. Maybe we could catch a movie Times Square this weekend. Yeah, okay.l I better do it now, if I'm going to... before I lose my nerve. Here goes. Back! I called Sam, and he was there! It was kind of awkward at first:  
  
Him: Hello?  
  
Me: Hi Sam?  
  
Him: Yeah?  
  
Me: Hi. It's Stacey. Mc Gill, I mean. Stacey McGill.  
  
Him: PAUSE. Oh, hi Stacey, what's up?  
  
Me: Oh nothing really, how was your break?  
  
Him: Pretty good, relaxing. Yours?  
  
Me: It was cool, I went back to Stoneybrook, saw Kristy and Claud.  
  
Him: I know.  
  
Me: Oh?  
  
Him: I mean, Kristy told me.  
  
Me: Oh. (I know, I sound real intelligent, do I?)  
  
Him: So...  
  
Me: Well, uh, the reason I'm calling is to see if you wanted to hang out. As friends, I mean.  
  
Him: Okay, sure.  
  
Me: Cool- did you want catch a movie this weekend?  
  
Him: Yeah that's cool. I'm free Friday...  
  
Me: Great! Friday sounds good.  
  
Him: Cool. How 'bout I come by you at 7?  
  
Me: Great.  
  
Him: Okay see ya.  
  
Me: Bye!  
  
Do I sound too desperate? I guess I was just glad that he was talking to me at all. I hope it's not too awkward hanging with him on Friday... but we did go out for two years so let's hope not!  
  
Thursday, March 18th: Tomorrow is the day I'm going out with Sam! Eeek! Everyone says I'm too excited about this... Samantha even ventured to ask if I still liked him. As if! I do not like Sam.... at least not in a sexual way, its just cool we're gonna finally hang out. Then again, Samantha's been weird lately. Very moody, so who cares what she thinks. I think I'm gonna wear my new jeans, my black one-sleeved top and my black platform sandals. Casual, but sophisticated. I promise to update after the date!  
  
Saturday, March 20th:  
  
I made such an ASS out of myself. God, I want to die. I have never been so stupid in my life. Okay, let me back up. It was Friday night. Sam and I had just finished watching "Bringing Down the House" (I decided it would be best to see a comedy).We decided to stop at this diner in the square for a bite to eat before we went home. Everything was going fine, and the uncomfortable moments had been minimal. Fast forward to the cab ride home. Sam turns to me. He's looking into my eyes, and he says softly, "Stacey, I...". Stupid me, I take this as a sign he likes me. Oh god- he still loves me! I turn to him, and i kiss him. Romantically. After we come up, I notice Sam is like the darkest shade of red that I've ever seen. We wipes his mouth (Oh shit, I'm thinking) and says to me, "Stacey, what I wanted to tell you was that I'm dating Amanda Robbins." SHIT. Oh dear god, what did I do? "Oh." was all I could say. I spent the rest of the cab ride turned around, facing the window so that Sam couldn't see my crying. What did I do. I guess I really do still love Sam, and I can't decided what hurts worse- the fact that I kissed him, or that fact that he's dating Amanda. I AM SCUM. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even on this earth. I'm going to bed. I SUCK.  
  
Friday, March 26th:  
  
I've spent the week in a depressed stupor. I tried to avoid Sam on campus all week, and I pretty much succeeded. I ran into him once, in the student center but I didn't make eye contact with him and I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice me, since he was with Amanda. I.... hang on the phone is ringing.OH MY GOD.... I've got to go- I just got a call....... I have to get down to Mt. Sinai hospital..... fast.b 


	15. April

*** Sorry its taken me so long to update guys. you know how it is. ( Thanks for your patience.  
  
Tuesday, April 15:  
  
I can't believe it's been more than two weeks since I've written here! I guess I've been really busy at school, you know how it is- everything just snowballs at the end of the semester. I have two presentations to do next week, and I really haven't started on either of them. Plus I'm planning to go back to Stoneybrook the week of May 1st because one of the girls who works in Mom's store (well she's not really a girl, she's 22) is getting married and Mom and I were invited. It should be fun, I love weddings! And I know Katie pretty well because I worked with her in the store last summer.  
  
Sam and I still aren't talking. I've seen him on campus several times, but he never really looks at me, or if he does, he just gives me a sort of half-smile. He looks really sad when he does it. I really, really miss him and I know that I made an ass of myself but assuming he wanted to get back together, but it wasn't totally my fault. Anyway, I guess I've just decided to lave the situation alone for now. Claudia agrees with me on that, even though Kristy said she'd kick Sam's ass for me- LOL.  
  
On the homefront, now that the news of the baby is out Dad and Samantha are sooo excited about it. Samantha can't wait to start shopping for baby clothes and stuff, even though she does have things left over from Rachael. Sam's hoping for a boy, so she wants to stock up on lots of stuff for little boys, just in case. She's not showing yet, she's only four months, but I can already see that she has a special glow about her. The same happy glow she had when she was pregnant with Rachael. The only difference is that I was in Stoneybrook for most of Sam's first pregnancy, so I'm really glad I can be here to share this one with her and Dad. Just think, when I start the next semester in September the baby should be here!  
  
Alas, I have to stop dreaming about that and concentrate on THIS semester so that I don't flunk out of NYU. I will promise to update more often, just as soon as some of these papers get written.  
  
Friday, April 18th:  
  
I'm so happy- I saw Sam on campus today and hey actually waved and called "Hey" to me. I know, its not anything, but I miss Sam, even just being his friend and any step towards being friends with him again is a good one. Claudia says that I should move on and just try and set my sights on some other guys (and there are plenty of hot ones to go for at NYU) but I don't really feel ready to do that yet. Even if I had time to start dating, I think I'm content to be single for awhile. No rush. :) So I actually feel pretty peaceful.  
  
Sunday, April 20th:  
  
1:21pm:  
  
Who am I kidding? I'm still in love Sam. I miss everything about him- his smile, seeing him running towards me across campus, his kisses. I'm miserable without him. I don't want to date another guy. I want to be back with Sam. I deserve him, not those sluts he was hanging out with. I've been in love with him since seventh grade, and I can't imagine being with any other guy for the rest of my life. I want to be Mrs. Anastasia Elizabeth Thomas. I want to have kids with him, I... oh my God- I've lost it. I've gone around the bend. I have to call Claudia. It's a weekend, so I can call her because the rates are cheaper. I just hope she's in her room, if she's out with Bret I think I'll scream so loud that I'll wake Rachael, and that would be bad cuz I just got her to sleep.  
  
1:28pm:  
  
She wasn't in her room. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
5:32pm:  
  
Okay. I finally got to talk to Claud. I'm so glad to have her as my best friend, I don't know what I'd do without her. Claudia can be so levelheaded in a crisis (or what I call a crisis, anyway). When I told her how I felt about Sam she said, "I know Stace. I could tell." She has better insight into my emotions than I do. We had a long talk (and I mean long, like two hours- yikes on the phone bill even if it IS the weekend), and we decided that I need to talk to Sam. I need closure. Even if it is just me confessing my feelings and finding out he wants nothing to do with me, I need to know that so I can properly grieve and move on. If he does have feeling for me too, then well- we can go from there. But Claudia said to prepare myself for the worst. She said that I should call her as soon I talk to him, so we can either cry or scream with joy. She gave me her new cell number, so that way if she isn't in her room, I can still reach her. Unless she's in the shower. Then I have to wait. So I guess now I have to psych myself up to call Sam. Oh God, how I am going to do that. Why do I always find myself in these awkward situations where I have to call guys and say something earth shattering to them. Why isn't it ever the other way around? I went through this with Robert and Ethan too. Maybe I just need to sleep off my anxiety before I think about it. I'll wait until tomorrow.  
  
Monday, April 21st:  
  
Okay, I called Sam this afternoon. He was surprised to hear from me, but he sounded friendly. He asked how my trip to Stoneybrook was, and we made small talk for a few minutes, and then I asked him if he wanted to do coffee. He said sure, so we made plans to meet after my last class on Wednesday at the little coffee place by Sam's apartment. Now that's it settled, I'm feeling a less nervous. It will be totally casual, and I'll just work my feelings into the conversation- no biggie. Now, what do I wear?  
  
Wednesday, April 23rd:  
  
8:34am:  
  
WHO WAS I KIDDING?!? I'M A WRECK!!!!  
  
10:11am:  
  
On the subway. Okay, I am calm. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll believe it. I don't know how the hell I am supposed to concentrate through my classes though. I keep wondering if I chose the right outfit. I IMed Claud this morning, and she gave her seal of approval, but I still don't know. I'm wearing black stretch pants, a gauzy blue short sleeved top, my leather jacket and black leather boots. I feel slightly over dressed for just coffee. But I must stop analyzing it. CALM. I AM CALM.  
  
9:52pm:  
  
Sigh. It's all over. I survived. Will write more tomorrow. So tired. Must get sleep.  
  
Thursday, April 24th:  
  
Okay, the talk with Sam. It went well. Better than I expected. It took me awhile to get into things, by the time I did I was already on my second cup of coffee. But I had to bite the bullet and do it. So I started with, "Sam, I know things haven't been easy for us, with the break up and all. But I really need to know where we stand, in terms of our friendship. We've both been kind of distant lately, but I really want to be your friend. I guess, in a way, I still have feelings for you, and it hurts me to see you going out with other people, because I can tell they aren't right for you". After I said that my palms were sweating and my heart was pounding. I couldn't quite gauge this reaction from his face. He took a deep breath. Then he said something that surprised me. "I still have feelings for you too, Stacey. Deep ones." Wow. He went on to explain that he didn't know where to go, our relationship had some problems and we needed to take a break. But he missed more than ever, so he started dating other girls (those sluts- IMO) to try and fill the hole I had left in his life (AWWW). He wanted to get back with me, but he though we should take things slow. We agreed to try and catch a movie this weekend. So things aren't exactly the same as they were before, but it's a start. He offered to take the train back to my apartment with me, and he walked me to the door. Before he left, we kissed. Not a huge kiss, just a little one on the lips, but I still felt that spark that I used to. I have a feeling everything will work out.  
  
Saturday, April 26th:  
  
Oh Jesus. As if I needed any more drama in my life right now, I just got a call from Laine. She's pregnant. Due around the same time as Sam. And she's not sure who the father is. Holy shit. 


	16. May 1

Wednesday, May 3rd:  
  
I met Laine at Panera for lunch today. Surprisingly, she didn't look bad... a lot more put together than the last time I saw her. But emotionally...she's a mess. I'm not surprised, considering all that's been going on in her life lately, but I still feel really bad for her. She just found out a few weeks ago, but she's already three months along. She can't decide what she wants to do about it, but I told her if she wants an abortion she'd better hurry up and decide, because it gets a lot more dangerous and difficult to do after the third month. I think she's leaning toward having the baby, but I'm concerned because she doesn't have much money. Even worse though, she'd told me she's gotten drunk and high since she's been pregnant (before she knew), and she's worried the baby might have health problems. I just can't believe that all this is happening. I hate to say it, because she's my friend, but Laine is so stupid. Not for getting pregnant in the first place, but for waiting so long to find out, and to make a decision. And for now knowing who the father is. Mostly thought, I feel bad for the baby. No matter what Laine decides, this child is not going to have it easy. Then there's Samantha on the other hand, who is ecstatic about being pregnant again. The doctor says that everything is okay and that the scare she had was probably just one of those things. She's taking it extra careful and spends a lot of time resting, but she is also busy planning for the baby's arrival... and she's not even 5 months yet! She really wants a boy... she's already picking out boy names and looking for clothes for little boysThey had an ultrasound already, but the baby wasn't in a good position to see the gender. She's having another one later this month, so hopefully they'll know then. Sam wants to know the sex. Dad on the other hand, doesn't really think it matters. He says that while it would be nice to have a son, he'd like another girl. but He says he's used to raising girls and he likes daughters. Me, I just hope the baby is healthy. I love Rachael to death and I'm sure this baby will be just as wonderful. Well, this weekend I'm going back to Stoneybrook for mom's friend's wedding, so hopefully I'll get to see Kristy and some other people and catch up with Mom. I haven't told her about Laine yet, so it'll be interesting to see what she has to say about that. But for now, I G2G. Later!  
  
Sunday, May 7th:  
  
I'm on the train back to NYC. It was nice to be back in Stoneybrook for a few days, to get away from the hectic city life. Stoneybrook never changes. Sure, the people change and some of the buildings change but it always has the same friendly, small town feel to it. When my train got in on Friday Mom, Kristy and Jessi were all waiting to pick me up at the train station. Everyone else was still away at school, but it was nice to have some friends there. We all went back to my house for pizza and talked and caught up. Saturday was the wedding, which was absolutely gorgeous. I didn't really know many people besides mom and the other people who work at her store, but I adore weddings and this one was really elegant. The only bad part was that it made me thing about my own lack of romance... particularly with Sam. I tried not to let that get me down, but the thought kept popping up. ( I didn't get to tell mom about Laine until Saturday night. Mom agreed that she feels bad for Laine and her child, but Laine did get herself into this mess and no one can deal with it except for her, really. She said the best thing I can do is just be there for Laine and listen to her when she needs to talk. I agreed. Okay... I'm approaching Stoneybrook. I'll finish this later. Ta!  
  
Tuesday, May 9th:  
Saw Laine again. She met me at NYU during my lunch hour and told me she's decided to get an abortion. She saw the doctor and he said she needs to do it within the next week or two, otherwise the cost would triple as would the risks involved. Laine made an appointment to go in Friday and have it done. She wants me to go with her. Of course I agreed. Its weird, because to Laine, I'm her family. Her parents wont speak to her and she has no siblings. And of course, the baby's father is unknown... she said that me and my family are the closest thing she has to real relatives. It makes me sad for her. I have so many family members and friends I could count on if I needed to... and she has no one. It makes me glad I came back into her life though, for her sake. What would have happened if our fight back in middle school had been permanent? Where would Laine be now?  
She confided in me that she's scared about the abortion... she wants to know if it will hurt... if it will hurt the baby...what will she feel like afterwards? OF course I couldn't answer those questions for her, so I just put my arm around her and told her it would be okay. But will it? I'm kind of nervous myself, I've never been with anyone who's had an abortion before... I don't even know anyone personally who has, at least, not known them well. I guess Friday will have to come for me to find out. I just hope everything ends up okay. 


End file.
